i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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