I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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