4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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