if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
