Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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