I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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