I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
