Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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