You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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