Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
do nipples grow back?
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