Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
