i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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