I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
foreskin is a definite game changer
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
