The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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