You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize