Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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