I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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