Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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