yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
