So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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