I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
