i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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