walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Someone came in the potted fern
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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