I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
