Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
