Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
