Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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