ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
