you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
