You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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