She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
