Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
