I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
