Say something about gay babies.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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