Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
