So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
