Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
