Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
