my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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