so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
