how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You ruined the universe
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
