Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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