i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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