I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
