so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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