My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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