i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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