happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
