I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
