so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
