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I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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