Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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