no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
