i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
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The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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