I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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