so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
