Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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