I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
