yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
